Create the Context of Pesto

I woke up the morning after writing the "I give up" entry wrestling with a Big Question - how to get two seemingly irreconcilable ideas into my head at the same time.

Idea 1 came from a Touching Moment. A postcard from my sister was in mom's mailbox, so I took it up to her. She looked at the picture - two dogs, viewed from the back, leaning on each other in a sort of doggie hug. One dog white, one black, their tails intertwined. A sweet photo. Mom's face changed as she took in the photo - a look of happiness, understanding, and appreciation filled her face. I let her ponder the photo for as long as she wanted, and when her attention wandered I took the photo and showed it to each of the other ladies sitting in the Dementia Circle. Each one had a similar reaction, even the ladies who were sinking fast into late-stage dementia. Their faces softened, opened up, and responded to the relatedness and affection in the photo. So there were actually 7 Touching Moments, one for each lady.

What woke me up was trying to relate this to Idea 2 - a quote from Werner Erhard on my office wall - which reads in part, "The possibility to create the context in which people's lives really matter is undoubtedly the most profound opportunity available to anyone ever."

I work on creating that context in which people's lives really matter - and I fail, utterly and ongoingly. It's OK that I fail - I don't mind that so much, as I have a pretty good relationship with failure as a teacher. What woke me up was the juxtaposition of Ideas 1 and 2.

My ability to generate the context that people's lives really matter has degraded, especially over the last 4 years in which I have been responsible for my mother's life (4 years ago next month was the famous fireplace smoke-out that called for me to step into action). Now I struggle to find anything that really matters, much less people's lives. I used to be able to live in something close to that context, and now it all looks like a joke - a joke on me and all of us - on people with lives.

I go sit in that Dementia Circle twice a week for as long as I can stand it. Sometimes I can generate 1 or 2 or 7 Touching Moments, but I cannot look around that room - at all the ladies whose names and foibles I have come to know - and grasp the idea that people's lives really matter, including my own. It's just too absurd.

Thanks for the supportive feedback, my 3 friends. I made pesto today with a bountiful basil harvest and the best parmigiana, romano, olive oil, garlic and pignolas on the market. I may not understand "making a difference" any more, but I know how to fill 6 ice cube trays with quality seasonings, frozen for a winter's worth of sauces and soups.