OK, it's probably time to pull the plug on this blog. It's really just a diary - I don't tell people about it (what would my clients think if they knew how I feel about this part of my life?). And while I once thought it would be a good record of what is involved in tending to a life's end - thinking I could gather tips on how to make sure I never put anyone else through this space-suck - I now realize my mother is going to live forever, or at least she will outlive me. I'm going to be 64 in a month. It is clear now that the remainder of my days will be tethered to mom's Chute (doing her laundry, handling the bills, etc.).
It is good that she is happier. The anxiety is gone, and she is comfortable again, eating well, probably gaining back those 5 pounds she lost that had the doctor recommend hospice. So she's probably going to graduate from hospice care. I'll figure out how to end this blog, however. It can't be as hard as dying seems to be.
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- Laurie
- Management consultant, author, speaker. New book is out - "The Four Conversations: Daily Communication that Gets Results." (see www.laurieford.com). April 2009 article in the Harvard Business Review. Education: BA, Psychology. MS Industrial Engineering, PhD Operations Research Engineering. Prefer my professional work to cleaning out mom's basement and managing her finances, but duty's duty.
4 comments:
My father, living at home, was a hospice graduate - twice! He finally died at 87 of Congestive Heart Failure (a euphemism for old age, I believe). Please don't just stop the blog - see it through. In many ways I find it fascinating, and, well, I'm very grateful that neither of my parents suffered dementia.
L--(earlier posting didn't seem to go thru). Re: the blog: I understand. I also want you to know this is the FIRST place I look at when I boot up daily, and go online. Through the week, I think of "your" struggles and plight (which, for me, occur as not personal, but, rather, timeless, universal), and it gives me strength in times of difficulty. Too high-falutin'? Perhaps. But you, and this, make a huge difference for me.
Laurie, Who cares what your clients think...this is your mom and your blog. What you are writing is a valuable contribution to at least 3 of us! Probably more. I would encourage you to tell the complete story, and that will include what happens after she passes on. You don't know who might see this and take something away from it that will alter how they care for their mom or dad. It could possibly shift how they view the responsibility of caretaking. I would also suggest to you that this is a safe place to vent your frustrations. Keep on keeping on, Dear Friend.
Laurie, this comment applies both to this post and the one after it. With my fabulous God-given talent for pointing out the obvious, I have to note that you sound like someone who is seriously depressed. Looking after your mother week after week is really wearing you down. Though I have dealt with depression my whole life I don't have any advice to offer for your particular situation, save to suggest that you back away and look at yourself as someone who is overburdened, and in need. Yes, you -- in need. Even though you have an understanding husband, a loyal sister and good friends all around you, the grinding sameness of the task facing you is, well, getting to you. Please give yourself some room to be overwhelmed, and remember there are plenty of people around you who will listen to you rant if ranting will help.
May I remind you that you asked yourself some time ago if it was time to "bail on the blog," as you put it then? You didn't give up then and as Josh and Karen have pointed out, your blog is a valuable service to many. I don't think it would be like you to leave a project before it's done, and this one isn't done. For the sake of your later peace of mind I'd urge you not to give up. And, selfishly, I count on you to tell me how your mother is doing. Though I can't help the news of her condition still matters to me. The memory of her matters to me, a lot.
Once again pointing out the obvious, Laurie, your mother is not going to outlive you, no matter how stubbornly she clings to life. Presumably you have inherited her family trait of longevity and you will be a creaking old woman in a chute someday. You even know how to prepare for that, probably better than anyone anywhere! You will have a lot of years without her to remember her, and the years you spent doing her laundry and sitting with the ladies week after week will be a small part of your memories.
Whatever you choose to do regarding the blog, I wish you continued strength.
In peace,
Victoria
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