Personal breakthrough

OK, I had a really bad week last week, with mom's distress, my concerns about getting things done, etc. Something shifted on my way to Jazzercise Saturday morning, when I suddenly began "talking back" to the thinking that has been running me. I had a conversation with my mind, and my mind, admonished, receded into the background of my life.

"What am I waiting for?" I wondered. I can make all the choices for what I want for my future right now, and nothing is dependent on what happens to mom or when it happens. Why is this uncertainty so much of a problem? Life is uncertain, and I'm not worrying about that. Get over it - there is uncertainty and it doesn't matter unless I say it does. So I'll say it doesn't and go on about my business. I've got my life back.

My friend Brian says this kind of breakthrough is like when you've been living in your own familiar house, a place where you know all the nooks and corners, and suddenly you fall through the floor and land in a whole different place. It's vaguely familiar, but everything is arranged differently, there are new things there, and some old things you hadn't noticed in a very long time. A completely new space to live in. That's what this is like - I am not seeing the same world at all.

I came home and put a quick and simple thing in place to remind me that life is Right Now, not something to wait for. I emptied my summer purse, then got out my very best bag (purchased a year ago in NYC) to be everyday purse - it's not just for special occasions any more. This is a little marker I'll touch many times a day to serve as my This Is It message. I'm not going back into the fog of being a victim to uncertainty.

Another phone call Saturday evening - mom fell in her room again - and I didn't lose an hour or a day worrying about it. I spoke with the nurse, and when we ended the call I went back to doing the task I'd been doing. I saw mom today and she's fine. Almost nothing she says makes sense any more - she has words but can't put them together. But I nod and say something back and we're fine. And when I left I wasn't distressed or agitated. It's a new day and I'm present for it. Hi, everybody.