On Being Good

Just returned from another visit. Mom has gained another pound, is eating well, enjoying doing puzzles after lunch, generally cheerful and all the staff love her.

On the way home, I thought I was going to cry. I so want to be free of this responsibility. It takes up so much of my life and there are so many things I want to be free to do. I just want to cry.

What a terrible thing that at the same time, I know I am doing a Good Thing. The Right Thing. And I know that I will not be free until she dies. It has been a full four years since I chose to take on ensuring her end-of-life care. I had no idea it would take such a big bite out of my life. It is an irremediable loss, and I hate facing that. Because I am doing a Good Thing. Screw Good. I want control over my life again, and it seems that is gone forever. All I can do to avoid sinking into a pit of depression.

I never aspired to be a Good Person. Always thought that was a highly overrated position. Now I know I was right about that. Being Good Sucks. Shoot me.